Let’s talking about teaching accepting “no.”
If you read my recent post on Replacement Behaviors, you’ll know that all ethical behavior plans include plans for teaching a replacement behavior when one behavior is targeted for reduction.
Accepting “no” is a replacement behavior, but it is not functionally equivalent to the behavior targeted for reduction. That is, the skills that the individual will exhibit when they are accepting “no” aren’t going to get them what they want. This makes it really tricky to teach.
What does accepting “no” look like?
When an individual is told that they cannot have something or do something, accepting “no” could look like:
- taking a deep breath
- saying, “okay”
- asking for something else instead
- walking away
Often, we as practitioners, teachers, or parents, know that an individual has accepted “no” when the word “no” (or any equivalent variation) is not followed by disruptive behaviors.
How do we teach it?
Like many skills, we must explicitly teach an individual to accept “no.” We also must teach this skill outside of the actual moment we expect the individual to use it. (If a child is having a meltdown, that is not the time to teach them to take a deep breath and make another choice.)
Here are some ways I like to teach accepting “no.”
- A Social Story: These are great, because they relate directly to the individual and provide a prescription for appropriate behavior. Below is an example of a social story, which might be personalized to meet the specific situation of the individual it is meant to serve.
- Role Play Activities: I love to have kids play “good friend” and “give advice” to other kids who are still learning how to behave. Scenario cards are a great way to do this. Even in the absence of physical cards, you might describe certain situations that have come up during the day and ask the child the best way to respond.
- Use Visual Cues: Prime the individual for success. Use visual cues when helping your child sift through the best response and then use those visuals in the moment, after they are familiar.
Half-Listening vs. Fully Listening
Kids are smart, and sometimes they trick us.
I worked with a client who had learned to accept “no,” but on this own terms. So when he was told not to go into the pool, he would run over to it and put his hand in. Or when he was told not to move something, he would touch it instead. He was, technically, following directions.
But in a very real way, he wasn’t at all.
I am a big believer in holding all kids to the same standards. If I think that a teacher or adult would let a neurotypical kid slide in the same situation, I will not design a program around making a kid a robot just because they are eligible for ABA. However, fully-listening is an important life skill and it can help keep kids safe.
If a child is told not to run out into the street, and they only go out into the bike lane, they can still cause serious accident or injury to themselves and others.
Therefore, I believe it is importtant to teach kids the difference between half-listening and fully-listening, and to understand why it is important to fully listen.
A sort to teach this could look like the one below.
Tips for Success
Teaching individuals to accept “no” is challenging. It might not even work all of the time, especially at the beginning. (Think: there are probably many times when you are able to hear “no” and be totally okay, and then one day you happen to be very tired or overwhelmed and you have a much harder time dealing with it!)
Here are some tips to maximize success:
- Teach explicitly, review often: Again, this skill should be taught outside of the moments of tension. Even after the child seems to understand the skill, reviewing is crucial. For example, before entering a toy store, you might tell your child, “We are going to see lots of toys, and I know you are going to want to take one home today, but we are only picking one for your cousin. You will not get to pick a toy today. When mommy says, no, remember you can take a deep breath and say, “okay!”.”
- Reinforce: Do not miss an opportunity to reinforce when your child successfully accepts “no.” Be specific in your praise, and tell them why it is so important (especially if they are able to comprehend that kind of language.) “I am so proud of you for listening to me when I said “no ice cream. When you listen to me, it makes me want to take you to more fun places.”
- Take it slowly: Do not attempt this skill with the thing your child loves most in the world the first time around. Start with only slightly preferred items or activities and gradually work your way up.
- Stand your ground: The worst thing you can do is say “no” and then change your mind. It is so unbelievably challenging when you have told your child they can’t have candy and they are having a very loud and very public meltdown in the cereal isle. And it is so tempting to give in to save yourself from some embarrassment. But doing so tells your child that if they put on a big enough show, they’ll eventually get what they want. (If you have already done this, it happens! Know that it will take a few times before your child learns that you have changed your ways and will no longer be giving in. But with consistency, you will get there!)
Teaching accepting “no” is not easy, but it is a really important life skill! There are so many times in life when we don’t get exactly what we want, and we need to have the skills to deal with it and move on.
Ready to Start?
If you’re teaching accepting “no” and looking for ready-to-go resources to help you with this, I’ve got you. My Accepting “No” teaching tool contains social stories, visuals, scenario cards, and sorts to help you teach this cricital skill. View it in my TPT store →
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